rokkstar

LINK: rokkstar

ROKKstar: hey, if i win the lottery let’s get you some kids
Me: omg no
ROKKstar: at least 4
Me: fuck that shit
ROKKstar: that would be awesome
Me: not for me, that’s like a death wish
ROKKstar: everyone dies, might as well get some cute kids before that
Me: you go get kids lol since you want em
ROKKstar: it’s more important for you to have some!
Me: as if

Of all the things, I’ve had more guys wanting to knock me up than anything else. I don’t know whether to take that as a compliment, a challenge, or consider it a form of reproductive entrapment. Are they projecting their own idea of what a family should look like onto me?

I look at women like Iba and CJ, who seem to have this natural, nurturing, loving quality about them. They make motherhood look so damn easy, as if they were born to be that… mothers. Me? I’m built different. I’m very much driven by personal autonomy and financial independence. I have never felt that maternal urge that my friends often describe and I am okay with that.

Don’t get me wrong though, I love kids and babies. However, I can be caring and attentive without feeling the need to have a child of my own. Men see me with babies and automatically think that I would be a good mother. But being good with children doesn’t automatically equate to wanting to raise them for the next who knows how many years.

I suspect a lot of this has to do with the way I was raised. I spent so much of my childhood under my parents’ strict thumb(s) and taking care of my younger brother that by the time I was old enough to imagine a life of my own, all I could do was fantasize about being free. I wanted to make my own decisions, go where I wanted to go, and live without constantly feeling as though someone was watching over my shoulder, ready to tell me what I was doing wrong. It’s probably one of the many reasons why I ran away from home multiple times and eventually left Minnesota. The irony is that after I left, I found myself missing the state more than I ever expected. Le sigh.

My mom used to tell me in Korean, “Wait till you have your own kids. I hope they turn out just like you.”

Woman, why the fuck would you say that? I was a difficult child to raise. I was hell on wheels, a bona fide fucking hellion, if you will. Ask Mr. Johnson, he can vouch for me. And while I can readily admit that I gave my parents a tough time, I also know that children don’t develop in a bubble. Personalities, behaviors, and coping mechanisms are shaped in part by the environments children grow up in. Because of this, I had reasons for pushing back against my parents, they wanted me to be the perfect daughter… basically an android that they could control. And yet all I ever wanted was to be a kid, do all the things that the other neighborhood children were doing… be carefree for a minute or two.

I’ve calmed down considerably since then, but the desire for autonomy never faded. If anything, I think that I’ve become more protective of the life I’ve built and the freedom I’ve worked so hard to have.

Which is why I’m still confused and surprised when men express their desire to have children with me. It’s like sir, what makes you think, “Yes, this is the woman I want to raise a family with? What screams mother of your children?!?” because I don’t see it at all.

So to the men who have imagined having children with me: Thanks, but no thanks.