meeting of the minds

LINK: meeting of the minds

I apologize for the über long post, but this is what’s going on in my life and if I seem aloof, I apologize… it’s not because I don’t care. I’ve been a bit preoccupied as of late.

SATURDAY MORNING AND AFTERNOON:

Buddy H and I met up to catch up on life, even though we’ve been seeing each other more this year than any other year. This time, I suggested that we talk while eating dim sum. It’s been a minute since I’ve had good dim sum (since Foofie and I broke up, I stopped going to the SGV (San Gabriel Valley)—the mecca of Chinese/Hong Kong/Taiwanese foods).

I’ve been wanting this turnip cake for a long time and I finally got it. It was so good, it would have been better if it was fresh off the griddle but beggars can’t be choosers.

The convo quickly turned to his dad, who was diagnosed with dementia nearly two years ago. Recently, his dad was having dysphasia (trouble swallowing) and while at the nursing home, he aspirated and developed pneumonia. He was already on thickened liquids at this point.

In the late stages of dementia, the brain loses its ability to coordinate the muscle movement needed to eat and swallow. When that happens, it usually indicates that the person is at the final stage of life.

Buddy H was wrestling with how to honor his dad’s wishes. When I asked what those wishes were, he told me that his dad didn’t want to prolong his life (no ventilators, no tube feedings, and other life sustaining devices), Right now, his dad is receiving IV fluids at the hospital, which they can continue for a bit but this is not a permanent solution. In my experience, when someone stops eating or drinking and no artificial hydration is provided, they typically have anywhere from a few days to around thirteen days.

We talked at length about hospice versus palliative care. Hospice focuses on comfort for those who are terminal with six months or less to live, while palliative care pairs comfort measures with continued curative treatment. This is a heavy topic to discuss with one of my closest friends, who is like a brother to me, but he knows I’ve had both personal and professional experience with death, so he wanted to pick my brain—whatever’s left of it anyway. He and his brother are both POA (power of attorney) and they’ve already completed a POLST (portable orders for life-sustaining treatment). I cannot recommend this document enough, everyone should have one so their wishes are known and followed.

He also asked me about my thoughts on bringing his dad home versus returning to the nursing home after discharge. From everything he described, the nursing home sounded like a genuinely good one:

• staff keeps the family informed
• 24 hour care
• they are flexible about visiting hours
• staff turnover is low
• residents appear to be well cared for
• his family was happy that he was placed there as there’s a long waitlist to get in

The only issue is that since his dad is likely being discharged on Sunday (tomorrow), the nursing home can only hold his bed for ten days—meaning by the following Monday, if he hasn’t returned, they’d forfeit the room. That being said, having staff available around the clock is beneficial, in the event something happens to his father, a doctor is just a call away.

Bringing him home would look very different. A nurse might come a couple of times a week and if they’re lucky, a home health aid for a couple of hours a day would come and care for the family giving them a short respite. But otherwise, everything would fall on the family such as the bathing, washing, taking vital signs, giving medications, and changing his pad. Buddy H is already running on empty since he’s been flying back and forth between Vegas and SoCal every other week for nearly two years. His wife has been a saint through it all, helping without complaint. HIs mom, though somewhat independent and still driving, has been showing signs of memory issues herself. Since she is also elderly and fragile, she would not be able to care for her husband and would depend heavily on her sons.

I can see my friend starting to crack under the pressure of it all. While he’s in SoCal, I’ve been trying to be a support for him however I can—answering medical questions, letting him think out loud, getting him out of the house for a meal and fresh air. The man is burnt out beyond crispy.

Then he looked at me, eyes swelling up with tears, and asked, “When is it my turn to grieve?” His brother and mom have been mourning for the past 12 months, but Buddy H has been so consumed with being the family’s project manager—organizing, coordinating, and handling everything—that he hasn’t had a moment to process everything that has been happening. I told him that whenever the tears want to fall, to just let them. Grief has no time constraints and everyone’s experience differs.

We spent about two hours talking and eating before we left the restaurant.

We decided to get dessert at Melo Melo, where they’re known for their coconut jelly served in glass jars. They boast about their commitment to fresh, healthy ingredients, and plant-based gelatin. I went with the pistachio rose coconut, which came with edible flowers and it was so damn silky.

Buddy H wanted to change topics, so we talked about a topic that we’re both fond of. Money.

He mentioned, that for fun, he looked up what my old blog was worth. Back then, I had over 10,000 people reading and commenting religiously. It was literally a second job for me—writing posts, visiting other bloggers’ sites, keeping up with the back-and-forth comments. I was a bit curious, so I asked how much it was worth. He replied, “$174,908, with the potential to pull in $5k or more a month had you kept going.”

But the sad part was… I didn’t want to. I didn’t want ads cluttering the aesthetics, and I was not interested in a paid subscription model like OF. I didn’t want to do a separate newsletter. I didn’t want people to pay so they could read my posts before the general public. And I definitely didn’t want people to pay to have more access to me. I wasn’t in the mood to partner with existing companies to be an affiliate. I didn’t want that sort of pressure and I needed my space to write freely. Outside of one of my good friends, who designed my previous site for me out of generosity, I was doing everything alone (all my posts were done using html and java… and Buddy H was teaching me C++ at the time) along with the upkeep.

Buddy H thought I could resurrect my old site till we realized that someone swiped my domain name. Asshole. LOL.

From there, we got to talking about social media and whether either of could leverage it into real income. He’s been doing YouTube videos on restaurants, which has done well surprisingly despite him not filming or posting anything in a while. I told him that I don’t have the patience for all that editing, even though I eat at nice places often. And plus… there are so may food bloggers out there already.

Another suggestion he had was making reels or TikToks. “Just put on some makeup and let your resting bitch face do the work. You’ve got this chill demeanor and you’re witty, there’s really no one like you.” I laughed. I actually experimented with that when reels first emerged on Instagram and it did garner me more followers but I noticed that I was spending an exorbitant amount of time on social media and it flooded my algorithm with more brain rot content… I could feel my IQ slipping away.

Then we discussed gold and high-yield savings accounts. I’m still annoyed at myself for not buying gold at Costco last year—though it seems like it’s dipping right now, and from what I’ve heard, unloading it is more of a hassle than it’s worth, unless I’m a billionaire. Currently my HSA is sitting at 3.3% APY, which is good but I could do better. I’ve just been lazy about finding one and doing the research on it. Maybe I’ll have Claude (AI agent) help me.

And if all fails, I can always go back to FeetFinder. It did pay pretty decent just for pictures (sometimes custom) of my toes and virtually no editing needed. But it does require me to engage with buyers and potential buyers, which takes time. We’ll see…

We spent another hour at the shop eating and talking before we parted ways.

SUNDAY NIGHT:

I was just settling in and ready to unwind… in bed, when Buddy H called.

His dad wouldn’t be going home today (Sunday or Monday) after all. His heart began racing (tachycardia) and he’s been put on a new medication to regulate it. They tried weaning him off the medication but failed. This meant that his hospital stay would be extended at least a few more days and with that… the nursing home bed would be gone.

So the conversation we had earlier has dramatically changed. If the social workers aren’t able to place him in a decent nursing home, one that’s up to par, then he would be going home and everything we talked about earlier became moot point.

I told Buddy H that I’d go over to his parents’ house and help him and his brother care for their dad. His brother would be coming down and staying with Buddy H for the next several weeks. He and I have been friends since I was a teenager. He’s been one of my greatest friends and support. My family adored him and he’s been a constant for me throughout the years. He was even a pallbearer at my father’s funeral. It is the right thing to do, especially since I have the know-how and capability.