garden of shadows

LINK: garden of shadows

Currently listening to: Every Rose Has Its Thorn – Poison

And now I hear you found somebody new
And that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside
And to see you cuts me like a knife I guess

Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song
Every rose has its thorn

ian m dudley is sharing night photos as open prompts. I thought I would partake in this.

I remember last March (london/maldives 2025 day eight), when we arrived at Pavyllon in London, the host and waitstaff were incredibly friendly. One waitress, in particular, picked up on our American accents immediately. She leaned in slightly, looked us straight in the eyes, and asked:

“Are you okay? I know it’s been rather difficult the past few months.”

And that’s when it hit me. She’s talking about the absolute shit show that has been our country since the new year.

I exhaled. “It’s been rough,” I admitted. “And no, we’re not okay.”

Fast forward to today, a patient told me she felt more mentally stable during the pandemic than she does now. That hit hard for me.

It’s hard to believe that 2020 was six years ago. Time flies and yet it feels just like yesterday. There was so much camaraderie during those years despite social distancing. Health care workers and grocery staff were called essential and treated like it too.

I think about the times when I was buying groceries and delivering them to my friend’s elderly parents because she lived out of state. Buying sourdough breads, pizzas, and desserts from furloughed neighbors who were taking up baking to try and survive financially. Sharing KN95 masks with coworkers when our N95s ran out. Being redeployed to unfamiliar units because colleagues were sick, exhausted, or chose early retirement because they didn’t want to risk dying or getting ill.

There was grief everywhere, but people were also resilient during those times. People adapted, we learned and proved that under pressure, we are capable of loving one another. I had countless Zoom parties, went dining al fresco, and binged the shit outta Tiger King.

I have to believe though, that we can find another version of ourselves again when this shit show debacle is over. Something good has to come from all of this, right? I am cautiously optimistic…

For now, I remind myself that I cannot control what other people do or say. I only have control over myself. I will continue to advocate for what is just and right. I also have to tell myself to have positive thoughts (even when I don’t want to) and find pleasurable activities in order to stay grounded.

Reading people’s blogs has become another beacon of light for me. Seeing others on the struggle bus makes me feel less alone and reading their words feels like I’m peeking through a small window into their lives. It’s oddly comforting to me.

Since cutting out coffee (all caffeine TBH), I think my body is more cooperative now. The cortisol spikes and feeling dehydrated are no longer. Now, I just drink water, barley tea, and more water. I actually lost two pounds of stubborn unwanted belly fat since then.