LINK: i’ve got a feeling
Currently listening to: Eternal Flame – The Bangles
Close your eyes, give me your hand
Do you feel my heart beating?
Do you understand? Do you feel the same?
Am I only dreaming?
Or is this burning an eternal flame?
How do you act when you’re afraid of losing someone?
I used to freak out when I thought relationships would end in a breakup. I’d quietly have a menty b and spiral, replay every conversation over and over in my head. I used to pick apart our dialogues and wondered if I should have said something differently or if I didn’t behave a certain way, maybe he would stay. That sort of relationship is not sustainable and honestly, I think it gave me a bigger complex because I couldn’t change things by loving him harder. Every day, I wondered, “Is today, the day that he will go?” That certainly was no way to live and it’s definitely isn’t how a relationship should be either.
These days though, when situationships end, I try to rationalize it instead. I’ll tell myself that it wasn’t meant to be because I can’t force anyone to stay. I’m not going to beg for him to stay, when he obviously doesn’t wants to. We are full grown adults and can make those choices for ourselves.
Unfortunately, there is a bit of a tradeoff for me with this line of thinking. I subconsciously try to protect myself and because of this, it takes me more time to form meaningful bonds with men. If the relationship is short-lived, I tend to detach faster and feel less affected. I’ll wish him well and it gets easier to move on. I suppose this is my way of self-preservation, which isn’t really healthy either.
I basically went from having an anxious attachment to an avoidant attachment (except I don’t have issues with intimacy).
But if the loss is due to death, that’s another story… because it wasn’t by choice and there is no closure. I just learn to live with the absence.
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