exile (rojie’s version)

LINK: exile (rojie’s version)

Currently listening to: exile – Taylor Swift feat. Bon Iver

I think I’ve seen this film before
And I didn’t like the ending
I’m not your problem anymore
So, who am I offending now?
You were my crown
Now I’m in exile, seeing you out
I think I’ve seen this film before
So, I’m leaving out the side door

What patterns show up in your relationships?

I’m toxic when it comes to relationships. I look for the impossible.

At the heart of my relationship patterns is an insatiable hunger for the perfect soulmate, romantic idealism at its finest, but deep down I know that it’s nothing but a stupid fantasy. No one is perfect; hell, I’m far from perfect myself. Life isn’t a Korean drama, where the men are intuitive, romantic, gentle, well-groomed, and very much a slow burn.

Maybe, I am like my mother? (insert the song, When Doves Cry by Prince: Maybe you’re just like my mother, she’s never satisfied.) I feel like a greedy bitch, demanding the moon while standing on shaky ground. How fair is that to him? To anyone? Major disillusionment.

Every new relationship starts with rose-colored glasses. Everything feels electric, all sorts of brand new, and utterly intoxicating. I’m smitten like a kitten, purring with delight. The late night talks that spark my mind and makes my brain go a million miles an hour with a sense of infinite possibilities.

But after about 3-6 months, the honeymoon phase ends and the cracks begin to show. At first, they’re small and superficial. It could be a quirky habit that annoys me. Most often, I choose to ignore them and I tell myself, “He’s human; I need to accept the whole package.” I try my best to adapt, to see the good amid the flaws, but inevitably, more fissures appear and they become deeper. I notice the narcissism, the manipulation, and the selfishness. The intellectual stimulation that once thrilled me dulls under a nagging annoyance. Conversations now feel forced, the spark fizzles, and suddenly I’m at the crossroads wondering if I should stay and settle or go before it drags on longer than necessary.

Every so often, I seem to gravitate toward men who are judgmental. I am subconsciously hyper-sensitive to disapproval, and yet, here I am. Dating men who nitpick, critique, or make me feel like I am less than. In return, I turn into a people-pleaser, bending over backward to win his approval. It’s a disgusting cycle that is very reminiscent to my relationship with my mother and I’m quite aware of this. Obviously, these types of situationships don’t last long, but it’s the chaos that I’m used to. In the world of psychiatry, Sigmund Freud refers to this as repetition compulsion.

I do tend to have a soft spot for the bad boys too. The ones brooding with anger management issues, walls up a mile high, or leave a trail of devastation in their wake. I think to myself, “I can fix him” Hahaha. I can’t even fix myself and I know damn well that people can only change if they want to, not because other people want them to…

And when I’m at the peak of frustration with these relationships, I begin to get quiet and ghost him or tell him point blank that it’s not going to work out. There have been instances where he’s ended things with me because I don’t fit his idea of what a partner should be.

I have a different experience with friends, however. I have an eclectic array of people I welcome as my friends. Boomers to Gen Zers, doctors and executives to food servers and big-box store cashiers, artists pushing creative boundaries to hoarders buried alive, Caucasians to Native Americans, atheists to Catholics to Jehovah’s Witnesses to Jewish, K-pop to alternative indie to EDM.

I tend to get bored easily, some days I like having things low-key routine and other days I want to be exposed to as many things and people as possible. My friends are my living classrooms, they teach me new ways to seeing the world, challenging my beliefs and assumptions, give lessons on humility, open my eyes to experiences I’d never encounter otherwise. Funny, how I do not expect perfectionism from them. I accept them for who they are.

Now if I can only translate this to my romantic relationships…