forever & always (rojie’s version)

LINK: forever and always (rojie’s version)

Currently listening to: Forever & Always (Taylor’s version) – Taylor Swift

Were you just kidding?
‘Cause it seems to me, this thing is breaking down
We almost never speak
I don’t feel welcome anymore
Baby what happened? Please tell me

I made the mistake of befriending Donovan. He was this Irish guy in my organic chem class, and I swear, I could feel his eyes on me every time I looked up. It wasn’t subtle either, he had zero chill. Full-on staring. It made me so uncomfortable that I started flaring my nostrils and went cross-eyed whenever I caught him in 4K watching me. I thought maybe that’d turn him off. But it didn’t. In fact, it made him stare at me even more.

One day, he finally approached me. He was polite, a little awkward but who am I to judge?, but seemed friendly enough. Everyone knew that he was easily the smartest student in the class without even trying. Whenever I went to the library to study, he’d somehow show up, sitting across the table from me, staring at me like a lost puppy. He didn’t need to study but he was there anyway.

Eventually, he offered to help me study. I wasn’t doing poorly in the class, in fact I was in the top ten but I wasn’t in the top three like he was. He’d explain complex reactions in seconds and it fascinated me. Before long, our study sessions turned into coffee and lunch breaks, and soon after that we were “sorta” dating.

Nothing physical ever happened between us. I know he wanted it to happen, but I just wasn’t physically attracted to him like that. He had a receding hairline and was hella hairy—his arms, legs, chest, all of it. It’s not something that I found appealing. What drew me to him was his brain, his intelligence was magnetic.

He’d tell me stories about his life back in Ireland, about his father and their old family property. He talked about the outhouse and how his dad was aging, and I remember thinking it sounded both quaint and sad. Then, out of nowhere, he started talking about us living together. In Ireland. With his dad. As husband and wife. After maybe a month of dating? Whoah there… easy there. That shoulda been my first red flag but I was too engrossed with schoolwork to process how fast things were moving.

The real wake-up call came when he handed me a drawing… what appeared to be of us on our wedding day. He even wrote 왕비 (wangbi – queen). He also wrote 사랑해 (saranghae – I love you). I remember my heart pounding and not in a romantic way, more like I needed to flee and run the fuck away. His face lit up as he gave it to me and all I could think about was how nauseous I felt. This was too much, too soon. I mean I liked him but not like that… and I certainly didn’t love him.

For a week, I tried to figure out the kindest way to end things. The more he talked about our future, the more suffocated I felt. Eventually, I told him we needed to talk. I used the “it’s not you, it’s me,” line but he didn’t take it well. He got angry, fists slamming on the table angry. He’d already written a whole script of our lives together in his head and I just ruined it.

He called and left voicemails after voicemail, apologizing, saying he just assumed I wanted the same things. But I didn’t. He never once bothered to ask me what I wanted. Who the fuck did he think he was anyway?

About a month later, I got an e-mail from an acquaintance, Claire. she asked if I knew Donovan. I replied, “Yes, briefly “dated”, but it’s over,” She wrote back saying she was relieved because she started seeing him, but he was still talking about me… to her. I never replied after that.

I don’t know what happened between them, but I honestly hope they got their happily ever after.