double trouble

LINK: double trouble

If you dated someone who was very similar to you, how would you think the relationship would last, and if applicable, what would be the reason you break-up?

Prompt snagged from: TCMC

It wouldn’t last long, maybe a few months at best. I know myself all too well. I can be toxic, a little too self-aware. I feel things deeply, analyze too much, and then get bored easily, especially when things lose their spark.

I need someone who can keep up with me but I would be mentally exhausted after one date with someone like me.
I desire excitement (conversations are like foreplay for me).
But I also love peace and my space.
I like being challenged but not overwhelmed, if that makes any sense.
I’m intense one moment and detached the next, passionate but restless, I can vacillate between being mindful, noticing everything and being so aware, to saying fuck it, after all, I’m curious to a fault.
And I’m extremely hypercritical of myself… so imagine dating someone who mirrors all that.
It would be one helluva emotional rollercoaster ride… or it’d be like living in a hall of mirrors or mirror or horrors, where every reflection exposes something I’d rather keep hidden.

What can I say? I’m the quintessential Gemini.

Story time:

When I was dating Beau Mec, we used to vchat (he’s an Android user) all the time. Every time his face popped up on the screen, I’d feel a flutter of warmth. But then inevitably, I’d get distracted. My eyes would drift toward his chest hair or the stubbles on his face. Being Korean, that’s nothing something I grew up finding attractive. I wouldn’t see K-drama leads with hairy chests. It just wasn’t a thing.

He had mismatched eyes too, one eye was greenish, the other hazel, and deep dimples that appeared when he smiled (for whatever reason, you can’t see it in this pic above). Visually, I liked him better clean-shaven and fully clothed. I’m sure he had his own silent critiques of me, like maybe my limbs not being toned enough or perhaps I wasn’t his idea of segsy. I remember the look of disappointment on his face when he was trying to teach me how to box and I tapped out after 15 minutes. I felt like a complete weak sauce, I didn’t realize how exhausting boxing was.

He used to laugh at my stories. He read my previous blog long before we dated and used to tease me about how I attracted chaos. “You’re like a magnet for adventure,” he’d say. We shared mutual friends, so he already knew what kinda energy I was bringing to the table. He also was aware that I had this subconscious tendency to mirror whoever I was with—sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

We are both introverts, which sounds romantic in theory—two quiet souls who just vibed together—but in practice, it was a lot of silence. He’d just sit there watching me (which made me pile on the makeup whenever I knew we were going to vchat) and I’d feel self-conscious, eyes darting down, wondering when he was going to say something. Hours would pass like that—him reading a book, me either taking a nap on the couch or writing blog posts, then him proofreading them after.

He’s probably one of the most intellectual men I’ve ever dated. We would have spurts when we would talk for hours about philosophy, art, psychology, random what-ifs. There was definitely mental chemistry but physically? Nothing. The spark never caught fire.

He once admitted he’d never felt any sexual attraction with his exes but hoped maybe it would be different with me. We both realized soon enough, it wasn’t. We were like two puzzle pieces that technically fit, but the picture never looked quite right.

He is soft-spoken but loud in his thoughts, I could see it in his writing. I’m the same. We mirrored each other too well in that aspect. But over time, my light and zest for life became dim. My energy depends on who I’m with, and with him, I felt muted. Dull. Uninspired. Monotonous. Insecure. Ruminating.

I felt myself dying on the vine…