waiting in the wings

LINK: waiting in the wings

Currently listening to: bittersweet – Madison Beer

Can’t believe it ends this way, thought you’d always stay
Now I gotta wonder what I changed
Think I have to go, walkin’ all alone
Hate to see it all go down the drain
Wanted to be with you, wanted to make it through, but did you?
I swear I knew

Play

Sophomore year, Brad signed my yearbook. He was one of Chris’s best friends—my first boyfriend—and somehow always ended up as our unofficial third wheel. There was something brotherly about him, but every so often, he’d flirt in a cringy way that made me second-guess his intentions. It was… weird, TBH.

He was good to me though. He was very protective over me for some reason. We had a playful dynamic between us. We’d spar, joke around, and laugh until our stomachs hurt. But he was also very touchy, always trying to hug me. And look, I grew up in a Korean household. Hugs were a rarity and not in our vocabulary. I wasn’t raised with affection. The only person I wanted touching me like that was Chris, so whenever Brad came in for a hug, I’d stiffen up or completely dodge it altogether.

Somehow, he got a hold of my yearbook as it was being passed around the school. My graduating class had over 500 students and we would release our yearbooks into the wild and it would somehow return to its original owner. When I got mine back a few hours later from a friend in my Trig class, I read all the messages that people wrote, including his.

He wrote quite a bit. This is what he wrote (including the misspellings and run-on sentences):

I had a great time with you in school. I have always thought you were funny all the things you and Chris did during my Industrial arts class what a Riot! Your very smart and fun to Be around Don’t ever change that or else. I’m still Better than you at TaekwonDo but your good. I’ll give you my ph number when I get back to az so we can keep in touch. (and address too) If you need help or just to talk give me a jingle. Love Brad. PS page 31, 32. P.S. I’m signing your crack, hop it tickles j/k

I turned to pages 31 and 32, just to check… but there was nothing on there.

He did end up giving me his new number and address but I never reached out to him. It was a depressing moment for me. Both Chris and Brad were seniors, which mean that they were leaving. Chris was getting shipped off to Houston by his dad to go live with his mother and Brad was moving back to Arizona to live with his mom. Suddenly, I was the only one left in Minnesota from our happy trio.

I thought about calling Brad. Once. But I knew what would happen—the conversation would drift to Chris, and I’d spiral all over again. I didn’t want to be that girl who couldn’t move on, even though that’s exactly what I became.

I also didn’t want to give Brad the wrong idea. He didn’t deserve that. So I let the distance grow.

I didn’t call.
And neither did he.