Currently listening to: get him back! – Olivia Rodrigo
Share one of the best gifts you’ve ever received.
I’ve already answered this in previous posts:
Is there a part of your personality that you try to suppress?
Taking a prompt from TCMC: For me, it’s my hunger for sex—not just the act itself, but the slow, electric build-up. The anticipation. The teasing. The way desire coils beneath the surface, waiting for the right moment to unravel.
I don’t want that to be the first thing people see when they look at me, so I keep it contained, measured, controlled. I avoid eye contact when I feel that pull. I downplay my own cravings because I don’t want them to define me. It’s not that I’m constantly in a state of wanting.
I’ve been with men who should have set my body on fire, yet I felt nothing. Because for me, attraction is more than just physical—it’s energy. It’s the way someone looks at me with desire, how they carry themselves, the unspoken confidence that makes me lean in rather than pull away. I need to be finessed, I need the right vibe—the kind that makes my pulse quicken, that stirs something low and deep, that makes me want to surrender instead of resist.
There have been plenty of times when Zaddy would initiate intimacy, but I just wasn’t in the right headspace. The vibe was off, and no matter how much he tried, I couldn’t force myself to feel something that wasn’t there in the moment. His frustration would start to show—sometimes through guilt trips, other times through quiet irritation—which only pushed me further away.
After he dropped me off at my car, the texts would start—angry, cutting, meant to make me feel bad. But instead of engaging, I’d turn my phone off, giving myself space to breathe. I needed time to process, to collect my thoughts, and to handle the situation with a clear mind. The last thing I wanted was to react out of frustration and say something I’d regret later.
But I resist. A lot. I overthink. I hesitate. I analyze everything. My own mind is my biggest cockblock, always one step ahead, whispering doubts, making me too aware of myself.
And that’s where alcohol comes in. A drink or two is like a switch, dulling the noise, softening the edges. It quiets the overthinking and lets me exist in the moment, lets me feel instead of scrutinizing. My body becomes more responsive, my guard lowers, my inhibitions slip away in a haze of warmth and confidence. I stop worrying about whether I’m doing too much or not enough, whether I should make the first move or wait for him to close the gap.
When the vibe is right and my mind finally lets go, that’s when it occurs. That sweet, slow descent into pure, uninhibited pleasure. That’s when the magic happens and it keeps me coming back for more.
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