battery replacement

Currently listening to: Don’t Let Me Get Me – P!NK

Don’t let me get me
I’m my own worst enemy
It’s bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating 

If I had to describe how I’m doing right now, it would go something like this: I feel like a 2020 Galaxy Samsung phone that can barely hold a charge no matter how long it’s been plugged in. It still works but it can’t go untethered to the charger for lengthy period of time.  Getting to today was quite the struggle but I made it.

Since the pandemic hit the U.S., it’s been just go go go.  I finished grad school in the midst of the pandemic while working overtime from 2020 – January 2024 between 70-80 hours a week, all while holding three jobs.  Some of this, I did to myself by spreading myself too thin on several occasions by double sometimes triple booking myself, but I thought, “Hey, I’m young.  I can do this.”  But my body revolted and said, “The fuck you can.”

I typically go on holiday around November to reset and prep for the holidays, but this year, it just didn’t seem to work out because of my scheduling.  This was disappointing and I didn’t get my final push to finish up the year.  I’ve been dragging all sorts of ass as of late and every week feels like an eternity.

In the past, I’ve been giving people the same energy they give me but lately, I’ve been fairly passive.  I let a lot of things go and if I don’t, I’ll blog about it here instead of telling people vis-à-vis.  That’s not to say that I’m a pushover, there are times when I am sent flying over the edge and I will stand my ground when needed but I pick and choose my battles.  I don’t want to die on every hill over the most minute things.  My coworkers tell me that I’m probably the nicest person they know, mostly because they’ve never seen me lose my cool even when patients have been aggressive, threatening, or are posturing.   I quickly find a way to de-escalate the situation because at the end of the day, most of the patients want to be validated and heard…so I let them have their moment.

With that being said, I’ve also noticed that my friends have gotten extra spicier over the past couple of years.  I don’t know if it’s due to the culmination of work dissatisfaction, entitlement, inflation, strained family dynamics, or being unhappy with life in general. There are tons of hostility and persistent non-stop complaining that occurs when we are spending time together.  I can tolerate it off work hours for a while but after a few hours of non-stop criticism about this or that, I find myself disassociating and I’m no longer aware of what is being said or going on anymore. It’s not the vibe.  Before I know it, my social battery is depleted and even when I return home after a day out, I am unable to regain my charge despite sleeping eight hours. The anemia plays a role in this but not in its entirety.

I blame no one but myself for this because I allowed it to fester on.  My toxic trait is thinking that this will be the last time or that they’re going through a rough patch and that they just need support during this moment.  But I know that in the future, I’m going to have to limit my exposure to this or cut them off altogether because I don’t want to do this again next year.

I have next week off from my primary job, I’m still working my secondary job but damn, I feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder.  I’m finally going to be able to take those deep breaths, slow the fuck down, and enjoy my alone time.  Like genuinely enjoy it.  I don’t have to be mindful about anything or anyone other than myself.  …I think I deserve it…