Final installment of The Pastor Chronicles. I’d love your thoughts on the situationships that happened in the chapters.
Chapter 6
Later that day, I stopped by the chat room to talk to Ana. She completely ignored me the whole time. Frustrated, I kept on talking to her. Finally, someone else in the chat room started talking about adultery, is it okay for pastors to commit adultery? I was dumbfounded as to what he was referring to so I ignored him and continued to message Ana. The more persistent I was, the more the room stirred. Finally, another person in the room asked me, “why do you keep on hitting on other guys’ girlfriends?” This question was just as puzzling to me as the previous statement. There was only one person I was talking to was Ana. Could it be? What was going on?
“Ana, are you dating Steve? Are you guys together? What’s going on?” She continued to ignore me. Finally, Steve spoke up, “yes, we’re together.” I was blown away by this revelation. Didn’t she just tell me yesterday how she didn’t see him like that? What the? How could she? Completely shocked, I gathered myself and said, “Congrats Steve, you are the better man. You have yourself an amazing girl. Treat her well.”
I asked Ana one more time, “Can you please explain this to me sometime? Cause I’m totally lost and really hurting. Can you promise that you’ll call me and explain it to me?” Finally responded with, “yes, I promise.” I walked away from the chat room vowing never to go back again. How could such a place affect me in such a profound way? I felt shortness of breath. I suddenly lost my appetite. I simply washed up and went to bed. She called me at 2 am that night. “Hi.” “Hi,” I said politely. “So what happened?”
“Well I was consoling him as usual. Then he started to talk about his feelings for me. He told me that he loved me and wanted to be with me. With all that was going on in his life, with his brother and stuff, I didn’t want him to feel any worse. So I agreed,” she said quietly. “I realized later it was a mistake that he shouldn’t start anything at this time, but he talked me back into it. He told me that he loved me, and you don’t know how long I’ve been waiting for someone to say that to me. It’s not like you and me. We talk and talk. Him and me, we only talk for like twenty minutes a day. He’s a lot busier than you. I like the way he makes me feel. I don’t know what is right and wrong anymore.” What an “I love you” whore, I thought to myself. He’s been talking to a girl for twenty minutes a day for one week, and he says that already? “I was really broken up over what’s been going on between me and you and feeling down about myself. He was feeling down and needed someone, so that’s how it happened.”
“I love you,” I said softly under my voice. I knew I would come to regret that later. I just didn’t know what to think and how to feel. By this point I’ve lost all control.
“Don’t say that. It’s too late. You had a whole month to say that to me. You don’t love me.” She yelled.
“Yes, I know it isn’t under the best of circumstances, but it doesn’t change the way that I feel. I’m still crazy about you. I don’t know what to do with myself. I can’t breathe, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. Whenever you’re upset with me, it feels like my whole world stops. I’m trying so hard to be the man that deserves you, but every mistake I make, it seems like you’ll leave me forever. It feels like I have to be perfect, but sooner or later I’m bound to mess up and you’ll be out of my life forever.” This conversation went on for another hour. Finally, we said our goodbyes and good nights. Once again, I didn’t want to hang up the phone. I knew it was irreparable. I had lost her for good, and I was just going to have to deal with that.
The next few days were spent analyzing and over analyzing. How could this have happened? I knew that I was still crazy about her. I knew she still had some sort of feelings for me. What we had, was it even real? Did it really happen? Was I just projecting into it how I wanted it to be? I wanted to call her, just to hear her voice. More than anything I wanted things to be back to the way they were before. Before the stupid chat room, before Steve entered the picture; I even started to hum a little of Cher’s old song. How pathetic was I? Cher? What was next? I was as low as I could get. I spent the night lying there staring at my ceiling.
The next morning I called her. “I’m sorry about what I said before to you that I loved you. It was unfair to you. I want you to know that I have thought about such feelings. I just wanted to wait until I finally saw you, and then I could tell you for certain, and that you would never have reason to doubt how I ever felt about you. But I messed that up. So I’m sorry. You deserve to be with a man who will never let you down. I wish I were that guy. I want the best for you. I’m not sure if it’s Steve. I think you’re way too good for him. I just don’t want you to make a decision that you will regret later.
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