i don’t…

Currently listening to: Boys – Britney Spears

I don’t chase after anyone…well not after my disastrous attempt freshman year at uni.  Imagine me…all wide-eyed and hopeful, only to realize that I made a complete fool out of myself and for the rest of the year.  I did my best to avoid him at the dorms but it wasn’t easy because for whatever reason we seemed to have matching class schedules.  And then having his girlfriend giving me the side eye every time our paths crossed really was nerve-racking.  Talk about emotional damage. It’s not because I’m too prideful or anything, it’s just that I no longer have that desperate need for validation like I used to in high school. I fantasize a lot in my head which for the most part seems to satisfy me but I don’t dare pursue or make the first move.

I put a lot of men in the friend zone right away.  That way the communication is clear.  I don’t like leading anyone on nor would I want anyone to lead me on.  ‘Tisn’t fair, now is it?  But as my former director would tell me, “Rojie, that’s the way the mop flops.”

I won’t beg anyone to stay with me. If he leaves, he leaves.  If he stays, he stays. I don’t want him to feel coerced into staying with me because then what we have won’t feel genuine.  It’s not that I’m indifferent, it’s just that I feel like things happen for a reason…organically.  Destiny.  I can’t control that nor can I control him. I can only control myself. This has been a hard lesson to learn.

Sure, I might get emo for a bit but that just means that I felt a certain way about that person.  That meant that I cared. Eventually, I’ll get over him and move onto the next because isn’t that what we’re suppose to do?  I’ve already had a mental funeral for him and the love that was lost, but I have to move on with my life.  Time waits for no one and I don’t want to be at a standstill and waste my precious time. Every minute counts.

It is what it is, it was what it was.