straight from the tortured poets department version 2.0 (rojie’s version)

I woke up to find a text from Beau Mec.  He told me about his latest move.  Then it dawned on me that I never followed up and finished writing about “us”.

Currently listening to: The Tortured Poets Department – Taylor Swift

No-fucking-body
(Who’s gonna hold you? Who’s gonna hold you?)
Nobody
(Who’s gonna hold you? Gonna know you? Gonna troll you?)
Nobody

Months went by.  We were doing LDR and it was ruining our relationship.  Every time we video/texted/or talked on the phone, it was the same questions with the same answers.  It was very monotonous and I could feel myself pulling away from him.  I’m not a boring person but I felt like I was turning dull and stale.

I started feeling self conscious because we’ve been dating for nearly a year and we never had sex.  He said that he found me attractive but tell me why he barely got an erection around me.  In turn, because I was so in my head, I couldn’t enjoy pleasuring myself.

He found my intelligence and personality very irresistible and sexy.  He was in love with my brain while I was in love with his body.  This was two very different things.

Going into the relationship, I knew he leaned more on the asexual side. He’d tell me about his past relationships and it seemed rather bland…but my naive self thought I could change him.  I would try every trick in the book but to no avail.  He would attempt his damndest to get me off but it wasn’t working.   This has never happened to me before and quite frankly, it frightened me.  I wondered if I was “broken”.   I became obsessed about it and the more I tried, the more I failed.  I was a disaster.

I had all this pent up anger that had been building up for months.  Work was a shit show and I had no release for this.  I could have gone to the gym but nearly a year of not fucking was not the vibe.  I was borderline having K-rage on a daily basis and trying my best not to take it out on him.

During one of our talks on the phone, I could tell that he wanted to address the issue but I blurted, “I want to break up.  This isn’t working.”  The phone went quiet.  I was holding my breath.  What did I just do?

Then he said, “I do too.”  I laughed maniacally as tears fell down from my face.  We realized we were better off as friends than as a couple.  We both seemed relieved though I’m not going to lie but a part of me felt defeated and like an utter failure.  I won’t say that I wasted a year, but what I can say is that I learned a lot about myself during that time.

He asked me if I was going to go back to Zaddy.  I remained quiet because I didn’t know what I wanted anymore at that point.  He asked if we could still be friends.  I told him that we could.   This would be the first time a friend became my boyfriend, then an ex, and back to a friend.  It was as if we came full circle. I asked that he be patient with me because it was not something that I was accustomed to. And he was agreeable to this.


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One response to “straight from the tortured poets department version 2.0 (rojie’s version)”

  1. […] Beau Mec and I were at the bar, minding our own business, having a drink, when all the sudden an Indian couple came and sat next to us.  Ugh.  Why?  There were plenty of other seats elsewhere.  Couldn’t they sit over there instead? […]

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