runaway

Currently listening to: Runaway – Aurora

As Chris prepared to leave and move back to Houston, an unrelenting wave of sadness consumed my thoughts. Each minute felt heavy with the weight of impending loss, manifesting in tears that seemed endless. This was not merely a farewell; it was the dissolution of a bond that had become an integral part of my identity. The attachment cultivated over time led to a sense of dependency, forming an unbreakable link between us that now felt threatened by distance.

This moment in time was marked by a profound sense of abandonment.  I did not want him to leave me…here…by myself.  His presence was my sanctuary.  I felt that I could do anything with him by my side.  I was invincible.  I could navigate the complexities of life at the tender age of fifteen.  He was my person.

Even though he was not perfect, in fact he was far from it, I accepted him with all his flaws just as he accepted me with all of mine.  My heart was fully invested in him and I felt that our connection was rare.  It was one in a million.  My world revolved around him and only him.  He was my first boyfriend.  My first love.  He was the person I had sex with first and naively, I envisioned him being my last.

When he left, I lost everything.  My sense of identity was destroyed.  Whatever resiliency I had was razed and only doom loomed ahead.  This feeling of abandonment overwhelmed me and I wondered how was I supposed to continue on without him?

For the next couple of years, I fantasized about moving to Houston to be with him and by the time I was old enough to apply for colleges, the first school I wanted to apply to was Rice University.  My beacon of hope.  I was going to get my bachelor of music with a major in music and concentration in piano performance.  I thought that if I was in Houston, we would be together…forever.

But there was only one trouble.  I could not find him.  I did not know that at the moment he was imprisoned for selling and/or possessing dangerous weapons (guns) for a local gang.  While he was incarcerated, I spiraled into a deep depression.  All I could think about was him living his best life with someone else while I was dying…right where he left me.  The heartache was too much to bear.

I ran away from home.

I used all my savings to buy a one-way ticket to California to be with a college student in a fraternity (Lambda Phi Epsilon).   I met James online.  I had created an image of him in my mind as a charming, carefree, charismatic man who would sweep me off my feet.

However, when the moment finally arrived, the contrast between reality and expectations became starkly apparent.  As we met, I was not greeted with warmth as I had anticipated.  His coolness cut through like a knife.  James, though undeniably attractive, seemed less interested in pursuing me.  I had disappointed him with my appearance.  I was not the typical Los Angeles Asian baby girl, no, I was the homely Midwest girl wearing overalls who spoke with a Minnesotan accent.

I stayed with him and his fraternity brothers till the school year was over.  Everything between us was platonic and in fact, they all treated me like the uncultured, bothersome, nerdy little sister.  I was unwanted and if that was not enough, I felt like a complete imbecile.  How could someone so intelligent make an incredibly shortsighted and foolish decision to trek halfway across the country on a whim?

Often times, I brought a blanket outside and spent the nights alone on the beach.  The relentless rhythm of the ocean mirrored the tumult within me.  It was a constant reminder of love lost and the poor choices I made.  The sound of crashing waves filled the air.  Each time the wave rolled ashore, it was as if it were pulling at my heartstrings, till they broke one by one.  Piece by piece.  Nothing could glue it back together.