expired

LINK: expired

Currently listening to: Asleep – The Smiths

Don’t feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

It’s been about a week since I last saw Buddy H, though we’ve been texting daily since then.

Buddy H

I’ve known Buddy H since high school, back when we met in an online chat forum. Over the years, we became like siblings—I was the bratty younger sister and he was the older brother that I’ve always wanted. We slept over at each other’s parents’ places, his brother even crashed at mine a few times. At one point, my mom suggested I date his younger brother. Um no, that was a hard no for me. That’s like dating my own brother, for fucks sakes.

We met each other’s families, watched each other go through relationships, traveled around the country together with a group of friends. I introduced him to my Chicago friends, and now they’re genuinely close with him as well. He still comes to visit my mom whenever he’s in town and brings her Taiwanese goodies. I got to see him marry the girl of his dreams, and we’ve both navigated different jobs, different chapters and versions of ourselves.

Tonight

A few hours ago, Buddy H told me that his dad passed away with the family at his bedside. His mom, despite not being on the best terms with his dad, slept overnight in the hospice room. It’s almost as if she sensed that his time was near. His brother was crashing out hard, while his mom is quietly handling the loss. When I asked Buddy H how he was doing, he said that he and his wife are “okay.” I imagine it must feel unreal and I can picture himself thinking, “now what?”—especially after he dedicated the last two years of his life caring for his dad and taking a long hiatus from work to do so.

He mentioned that there would be a funeral, but I didn’t ask for details because I didn’t want to impose and I got the feeling that it was going to be immediate family only and likely a traditional Taiwanese ceremony. Despite us being close, I am aware of boundaries and respect them, especially in circumstances such as this. Instead, I Venmo’d him a few hundos because that’s the Asian way. I also offered to run errands or drop off food, but he kindly declined. Even in grief, he is incredibly gracious. I wish I could have been more like Buddy H when my dad passed away.

As sad as this is, I’m glad his fam had time with him—time to say everything they wanted and needed to say to one another.

RIP, Buddy H’s dad. You will be missed…

Small Note

People in the medical field often use the word “expired” instead of “died” because it’s a more formal and neutral term. It comes from the Latin word, “expirare”, which means to breathe out.