family ties

LINK: family ties

Currently listening to: Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby – Cigarettes After Sex

Whispered something in your ear
It was a perverted thing to say
But I said it anyway
Made you smile and look away

Do you prefer having a large/close knit extended family, or a small/distant extended family?

Prompt snagged from: TCMC

It’s strange, really. I’ve experienced both sides… the large/small and close/distant family.

On my dad’s side, there were six boys and one girl. My great-aunt, on the other hand, had six girls and one boy. The family said that if my grandparents couldn’t have a girl, they were going to “swap” children with my great-aunt and uncle. Eventually though, everyone ended up keeping their own kids.

When I was younger I got to meet so many of my cousins (first, second, and third), and honestly we had the best time. It was always chaotic, there was laughter, chisme, tons of food, and shenanigans (like taking me to clubs and casinos when I was very much underaged). We had big family events when there was a funeral, wedding, or memorial (제사), which are part of our Buddhist and Confucian traditions. Sometimes, this meant we traveled to Korea, Chicago, California, or they traveled to Minnesota, depending on who was hosting.

As we all got older, time just got away from us. College, work, and getting married. The reunions became fewer, the phone calls shorter. My dad used to stay up late talking to his siblings, and frequently they would turn into arguments about land and inheritance. He was the middle child, which meant he didn’t have much say (in Korean culture, that is). Still, my dad and his siblings were all expected to pay property taxes on the land(s) back in the motherland after my grandparents passed.

Later, when my dad and some of his brothers died, everything went to shit. Greed took over. My remaining aunt and uncles fought over money and property, and those of us without our fathers in the picture were cut out entirely—despite having paid into it for years. My mom wanted no part of it and walked away, which I respected. The in-laws wanted to keep fighting for their piece of the inheritance and land and were upset with my mom about bailing out because it meant less people fighting for the cause. A couple of my widowed aunts stopped talking to my mom because of this.

There’s definitely wealth tied to the land and properties, but I’ve chosen to let it go. My cousins who are attorneys now wanted to jump back into the legal mess but I don’t have the bandwidth or the haterade for that kind of drama. I’m a lover, not a fighter.

I have a TON of cousins—first, second, thirds—and even a few adopted members (that’s a whole story for another post). But these days, I only stay in touch with about three of them on a semi-regular basis at best. It sounds sad when I say it out loud, but it is what it is…

Growing up, it was just me and my brother. My parents gave us what we needed. A piano for piano lessons, a violin for orchestra, computer for academic purposes, lessons (ice skating and swimming) and a television that we were allowed to watch mostly on the weekends. As we were growing up, I was more like a third parent than a sister—caretaker, chauffeur, babysitter. When I finally got my driver’s license, I thought of all the things I would get to do with my friends and the places I could go, but… my grandiose delusions ended abruptly because now my world revolved around my brother and his schooling, extra-curricular activities, and shuttling him to his friend’s or somewhere to meet his friends. I grew bitter because I felt like I was missing out on my own life.

It wasn’t until we both went to uni that things changed. He studied abroad in Thailand, traveled through East Asia and North Africa, and eventually landed a job at the embassy in Korea. He had his shit together. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I was going buck wild stateside, finally tasting freedom. He would often express his disappointment and boss me around, despite me being the older sibling. To be fair, he has always been more meticulous than I am (if you thought I was anal retentive, he takes it to the nth degree), extremely fit, and savvier with money.

Side note, he is a cancer and I am a gemini. Hehehe.

When we reunited in Korea, something shifted. We actually started to connect as adults. We became close, it almost felt like he was my twin and we had ESP. We could finish each other’s sentences, know what the other was thinking without saying anything, and how did he know when I was having cramps when he was in the other room? Later, we lived together in Pasadena until he bought a house in West LA, and since then things have been good between us.

Sometimes, when I read posts from Iba and Hazel about their large families, I catch myself wondering what it would’ve been like to grow up with so many siblings. Maybe I romanticize it, but part of me still wishes I could have experienced that.