Currently listening to: Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before – The Smiths
What emotions do I avoid feeling?
Prompt snagged from: Day One
TRIGGER WARNING: FETAL DEATH
I try my best to steer clear of lingering sadness. Melancholy. Despair. I know those emotions all too well. I’ve seen and felt more than I probably should have at this point in my life.
The worst of it? Losing my dad. And the fetal deaths. We called them “fetal D’s”—short for IUFDs, intrauterine fetal demises. I worked so many of those cases that I lost count. It happened almost every shift. But one mother’s scream—shrieking, soul-shattering—is still stuck in my memory. I’ll never forget it.
When started in labor and delivery, I was naïve. I thought it would be a joyful place. New life, crying babies, happy tears. Sometimes it was. I smiled when I saw a chunky baby with rolls like a Michelin man. It felt like a small moment of relief. It meant the baby was alive. Breathing. That mattered more than anything.
I had to be steady for the patients, for the families, for the rest of the team. And so I learned to push those feelings down. Not because I didn’t feel them—but because if I let them all in, I wouldn’t be able to function.
Sometimes, I’ll turn to K-dramas to check in with myself emotionally. If I cry, that’s how I know I haven’t completely shut down inside. I’m still able to connect. Still empathetic. Still human. Other times, it’s music. I’ll listen to what my friends call the trifecta wrist slitters—Billie Eilish, Lana Del Rey, and The Smiths. If the music moves me and if tears fall, I’ll know that I’m no longer numb.
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