Currently listening to: Love Bites—Def Leppard
I don’t want to touch you too much baby
‘Cause making love to you might drive me crazy
I know you think that love is the way you make it
So I don’t want to be there when you decide to break it, no
Preface: le rojie
From ages 10 to 14, every night I stayed over at Ally’s, Benny (her much older brother) made it a point to sneak into her room, wake me up, and lure me downstairs to his. It became our little ritual—one I pretended wasn’t orchestrated entirely by him. We would talk for hours in hushed tones, his fingers tracing lazy circles over the fabric of my training bra, and practice French kissing. I remember worrying that our braces might get stuck together, a ridiculous concern that only highlighted how young and naïve I was.
I was head over heels. Completely, stupidly smitten.
He told me our late-night rendezvous had to stay a secret—his family wouldn’t approve of the “shenanigans” we were getting into. I nodded, eager to prove my loyalty and understanding, desperate to keep whatever this was alive. If secrecy was the price, I’d pay it without hesitation.
Over time, my infatuation deepened. Ally would casually mention her brother’s love for classic rock music, so I made it my mission to listen to various artists and songs, memorize every lyric, just so I could have something to talk about when the lights were low, and the world felt small enough for just the two of us. I wanted to impress him. I wanted to matter to him.
But in the daylight? I was invisible.
Even though we went to the same church, he ignored me like I didn’t exist. Like the girl he touched in the dark was a figment of his imagination. He’d walk past me down the hallway, laughing with the older kids, never sparing me so much as a glance. I told myself it didn’t hurt, but it did. It completely gutted me.
It’s bringing me to my knees (love lives, love dies)
It’s no surprise (Love begs, love pleads)
It’s what I need
I knew I wasn’t much to look at—ugly as sin and an awkward mother fucking dweeb. And Benny? He was an older handsome soccer jock with confidence and charm. I was just a kid in comparison. But that didn’t make the rejection sting any less. It only made me try harder. I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to choose me. And wanting that so badly made me feel pathetic. I hated that for myself, I truly did.
Then, high school happened. I finally started to look… decent. The braces were off, I got colored contacts, my cousin styled me to dress in the latest fashion, and I resembled more of an ABG (Asian Baby Girl). Then suddenly, Benny noticed me.
But by then, I had learned my lesson.
I gave him back the same energy he once gave me—cold indifference. Nonchalant replies. A resting bitch face carved from stone. He pursued me, and I shut him down, time and time again.
He kept me like a secret, but I kept him like an oath. As an oath keeper… his parents, his sister, nor the church ever had an inkling.
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