Quote : “Love is so short, forgetting is so long.” – Pablo Neruda
Preface: thirsty b’s
Shortly after, I broke up with Jack (he cheated on me with his ex before me), I was in a state of shock and denial. Shocked that I didn’t see it happening right under my nose. In denial because why? Why not just break up with me and go back to her instead of stringing me along the way?
Per usual, I used my blog as an outlet and wrote my fleeting thoughts. Of course my girlfriends wrote supportive and positive mantras in the comments. A few hours later, I received a notice of a new comment. Jonathon offered his condolences and sent me an e-mail asking me for my address. I didn’t know what to do. Do I give him my addy or not? What does this mean?
I told myself, “Fuck it. Don’t read too much into it.” I e-mailed him my address and a couple of days later, I received a gift from him. It included stuffed animals, books (which I still have today), and a strong recommendation to watch Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. He introduced me to Pablo Neruda and other poets and writers. I emailed him back thanking him for the thoughtful gifts and that I would watch the movies. I sent him my favorite childhood books and a Peter Rabbit doll that was soft and huggable. Looking back, it was very infantile of me in comparison to what he sent me, but I do know that he loved it.
Fast forward a couple of months, he would call and text intermittently. Sometimes, he would take a snap or read to me his favorite paragraphs from the books I got him. Eventually, he asked me to meet him for coffee. Ahhhh…not a coffee meet up. The gateway to the unknown. I knew it was going to happen but I just didn’t know when. I wanted to be with him but I didn’t. If that makes any sense. I wanted to because I found him to be fascinating, highly intelligent, and basically Mr. Perfect but I didn’t because I was…I was me.
I just wanted things to stay the way they were because once we meet in person, it would either go in two ways: we would eventually stop talking to one another altogether or we would start a whirlwind relationship and I would watch it crash and burn. I didn’t want to lose him as my situationship because I enjoyed “this” whatever it was we had going on. This casual friendship. This cute 오빠/동생 (older brother, younger sibling) relationship. There was nothing sexual in our conversations but I could see where it could be a thing later on. I didn’t need another heartache or body count. I didn’t want my image of him to be shattered either. For whatever reason, I really needed this.
For nearly a year, I blew him off. I had to give him credit though. He really did try. But I just couldn’t pull the trigger and move forward. I was…stuck. He had my address but I knew he wasn’t a stalker. He would never disrespect my wishes like that. I had his address as well but I could never. I’m too shy and that’s just not something that I wanted to do either. He got frustrated with me plenty of times but I never budged from my stance in meeting him. Eventually, we gradually stopped communicating – texting, calling, and reading each others blogs. Time waited for no one.
I still think about him every now and then. I hope wherever he is, that he’s living his best life.
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