…wait for me…

Currently listening to: Cry – Cigarettes After Sex

It’s making you cry every time
You give your love to me this way
Saying you’d wait for me to stay
I know it hurts you

We started our journey together in Minnesota.  From there on out, whenever I moved…he moved.  For three states, this went on.  We weren’t always in the same city or county but it was close enough. In a way, he was protective of me but he also wanted to shoot his shot.  I was more than happy to have his steady companionship and impressed by his sheer tenacity.

I knew he liked me…a lot.  Our mutual friends told me that he did.  He’s asked me multiple times to date him but every time, I’d tell him no and that we were better off as friends.  The dejected look on his face was almost too much to bear at times.

After every one of our conversations, he would copy the transcript and then email it to me because he never wanted me to forget.  Initially, I wasn’t sure if this was romantic, funny, or creepy but looking back now…I’m glad he did.  As I was deleting emails the other week, I came across these.  Le sigh.

John: i feel abused
Me: why?
John: U left me
Me: oh please
John: yah, I’m at the lost and found now

John: hi ro, just let it be
Me: whatev
John: i might be coming down again next month
Me: yeah, yeah
John: i will hound you again to meet up
Me: whatev
John: let it be, ro

Me: i’ll never forget you
John: u will never forget about me!
Me: 🙂 taking me to super target, snelling perkins, loving me for the crazy person that i am
John: haha u mean take u to university perkins!
Me: when’s the last time you’ve been in love?  it’s the little things because that’s what matters the most.  someone who’ll do the little things for me
John: i don’t know hun

John: how r u?
Me: i’m not married yet lol
John: are you single yet?

John: who is taking care of u? hmm
Me: i have laryngitis and the flu
John: what’s going on omg
Me: i’m dying
John: ur bf?
Me: no one and u love Jessica because you secretly hate me
John: i’m surprised i didn’t call u when i blacked out.  i need to put my phone away.  I drunk dialed Jessica
Me: what am i gonna do with you
John: i would have called u 🙁 did u break up with ur bf yet?
Me: no, gtg

Not gonna lie, physically wise, he was a perfect specimen. In fact, he was quite handsome.  If you can imagine a Korean version of Glen Powell, that’s how he looked. No cap. Extremely fit, six feet tall, funny, sensitive, loves dogs, passionate, into health and skincare, and had a lucrative paying job in tech.

But I saw how he treated his girlfriends and I didn’t like it.  Disposable.  If he could do that to them, he could certainly do it to me…or worse. I never wanted to lose him as a friend, it would have been too heartbreaking for me.  We’ve been together like this for so long, I couldn’t imagine a life without him.  He would have been perfect for me otherwise.  He felt like home…we had so much in common that it would feel natural to be with him.  I could talk to him about everything…except who I was dating.

John: u hear the good news?
Me: what’s the good news?
John: i’m getting married next year
Me: wow, congrats!  i’m happy for you two
John: ty
Me: lol i’m seeing someone too
John: wow nice, how? where u meet?
Me: online dude
John: please don’t be offended
Me: i won’t
John: baby ur too old for that shit, u live in LA for god’s sake, if i lived there i wouldn’t sleep alone lol . hmm send me a pic, he better be hotter than me
Me: lol he’s hot, way hot and shredded
John: good i’m happy for u. i hope u guys get ur fuck on
Me: obvi

John: we’re not 25 no more hun to deal with this online bs
Me: i know…so are you gonna invite me to your wedding??
John: yah, i’m sad now.  that’s not what i wanted to hear from u about dating. that’s the last thing
Me: but you’re getting married!! that’s good shit, johnny!  you should be happy for me too.  maybe one day i’ll get married too
John: hmm i can’t be. that’s bs

John: sorry baby lol anyways be happy, good luck. if he’s so hot he’s fucking other bitches.  i’m not hating.  i’m just saying from a guy who doesn’t have any problems finding dates either
John: 🙁
Me: hugs i’m really happy for you.  i’m very excited and i hope you invite me to the wedding.  we’ve known each other forever
John: ok listen u know my motives for telling u this.  i don’t want u to get hurt for god’s sake
Me: i know, you don’t have to worry about me, i’m a big girl
John: realistically, your prob gonna just have ur fun and call it a day.  i just want u to be happy, ok?
Me: ahhhh johnny, why do you have to say it like that?  i like him
John: OMFG be honest with yourself
Me: i am
John: i don’t want u to get hurt
Me: i’ll be ok, i’m always ok, you know that
John: you’re not 23 anymore…fuck
Me: why are you getting mad?
John: cause holy shit
Me: have i ever discouraged you w/online girlies?
John: ok if you say so.  u have ur mind set on this.  good luck. yes i’m disappointed
Me: omg…

John: <3
Me: john, are we ok?
John: yah good luck. i’m just more realistic with things
Me: we’re cool tho right?
John: i’m just saying
Me: you know i’ve been supportive of you and your relationships
John: hmm ok do what u wanna do hun, that’s why i say good luck

Me: i worry about being a failure
John: ur gonna regret things.  it’s time to get out with your bf.  what’s the deal?
Me: i think i’m going to break up with him, i don’t even like talking to him anymore.  i talk to you more than i talk to him.
John: wasting your time, we’re seoul mates

John: did u just break up with your bf?
Me: i’m going to soon
John: quit wasting your time, get out if ur not happy, you have a good thing in california

Me: i’m still trying to figure out what “happy” means to me
John: yup, i’m gonna go to bed soon lol
Me: sweet dreams, i’m thinking of moving to the motherland
John: what’s ur bf gonna do?
Me: he’ll figure something out, he’s a big boy, that’s not my problem
John: what’s ur bf gonna do??
Me: i gotta do what i gotta do
John: wtf omg
Me: be good, much <3 johnny.  maybe i can find myself there
John: gnight, still luv u
Me: i know you do

That relationship we spent a great deal of time talking about crashed and burned.  He was there to pick up the pieces and put me back together because I was not alright as I boasted to him before.  I was a damn fucking hot mess.  There were a lot of “I told you so” moments and I bit my tongue since I couldn’t disagree.  He was right and I was very much wrong.