Currently listening to: How Did it End? – Taylor Swift
How the death rattle breathing
Silenced as the soul was leaving
The deflation of our dreaming
Leaving me bereft and reeling
My beloved ghost and me
Sitting in a tree
D-Y-I-N-G
Several months passed and Zaddy and I were going back and forth with pleasantries.
He wrote, “Getting on a jet. Slightly concerned. Send love?”
I responded, “Lotsa love my dear”.
Why did I do that? He literally texted me about the woman he loved not too long ago. What is wrong with me? I’m so fucking stupid.
I needed time…distance. I deleted the text thread. I needed to figure my shit out. Out of sight, out of mind, right? That’s kind of how my brain works. I’ll be honest, I will RARELY reach out to anyone first. Ever.
I also hate asking people for help. Growing up, my parents would tell me in Korean to “figure it out”. If I asked them for assistance, they made me feel like an utter failure and a disappointment.
I don’t want to inconvenience or impose on anyone nor do I want to appear weak or needy. I loathe asking anyone for anything. I would much rather just fester in my self-doubt and play the indecisive vacillation game quietly and alone.
A couple of weeks later, just like clockwork the gut wrenching texts were starting all over again. “Landed and no response from you. We live in two different worlds. I cannot be a part of your world and you are not ready for mine. Your insecurities have ruined you.”
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