Currently listening to: When You’re Gone – Avril Lavigne
When you’re gone
The pieces of my heart are missin’ you
And when you’re gone
The face I came to know is missin’ too
Two days had passed since the meeting with my dad’s healthcare team.
My brother and I were not on speaking terms. He was angry with me and vice versa. And because he wasn’t health literate, did I have a valid reason to be mad at him? He didn’t know what we knew.
Today would be the day that they would turn off the ventilator. I felt like the clock in his room was going faster than usual. I knew that it was going to happen but I wasn’t ready for it. I’ve seen it happen so many times to my patients but for it happen to my family was something I was not prepared for.
I sat at the foot of the bed, rubbing his feet to warm them up to provide better circulation to his lower extremities. I knew it was moot point but a part of me still wanted him to be comfortable. Be the good daughter…
The pulmonologist stopped by and said that they would start the process in an hour. Tears were heavily streaming down my face. I couldn’t formulate any words. I simply looked at him and nodded.
Tick…
Tock…
I asked God to give me a sign of life…but he gave me none.
Tick…
Tock…
I looked over at my mother and brother who were each holding one of his hands. They were breathing out of their mouths because they were weeping so loudly. I begged God, “Please…a slight toe movement…” but nothing.
The doctors and nurses quietly came into the room. God, no. Please. Five more minutes. Please. But they couldn’t hear my internal pleas, it was happening. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and hugged her tightly. It was my childhood best friend, whom I haven’t seen since she went to Wellesley College. I hadn’t texted her or kept in touch with her for almost a year. How was she here? How did she know? The doctor told us it was time. I released my arms around Ally. My mom and I both nodded our heads in unison.
They powered off the ventilator and I gasped. For a few seconds he seemed to be breathing on his own but it was short-lived. The breaths stopped and as each alarm went off, the organs were shutting down one by one. The heart. The liver. The kidneys. The pancreas. The small room was getting so loud…the alarms…the staff talking…our muffled cries…my mom saying the Lord’s Prayer in Korean.
It took nearly 24 minutes before they pronounced him deceased. When his body became relaxed, the stool and urine were released instantly. At that moment I was wailing like a banshee. I think the whole wing of the unit could hear me. I didn’t mean to be so fucking loud but I hurt so badly. I wanted nothing more than to crawl into the hospital bed and die with him.
Ally wiped the tears from my face and forcibly took me outside of the room. She took me into her arms and whispered, “Shhh shhh shh…be strong for your family. You can’t do this right now.” I cried softly into her shoulder till her sweater was soaked with my tears. I looked at her and said, “I’m sorry Ally…” She told me that I needed to compose myself because my mom and brother were not doing well. I needed to step up and take over.
I took a few deep breaths. I walked back to the room and thanked all the staff for their professionalism and high level of quality care that was given to my dad. I asked if we, the family, could have a couple of minutes alone with him before they wheeled his body away. They agreed and left the room and gave us our privacy.
I went and hugged my mom and brother. They clung onto me while I quietly whimpered. I looked over at my dad. He looked so peaceful, as if he was in a deep sleep. I reached over and fixed his hair. A couple of stands of hair fell out and I placed them in my pocket. I wanted something tangible…so I could remember him and everything he meant to me.
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