traitor

Currently listening to: My Tears Ricochet – Taylor Swift

My previous blog was about my trysts and heartaches.  Those were the best and worst moments for me.  IYKYK.

A friend of mine was feverishly reading my salacious posts and when we started hanging out more frequently, I could tell that he was interested in me.  Unfortunately, I was not interested in him.  Not that he was ugly, his personality just didn’t vibe with mine. Definitely not my type. It was also a turn off that he would frequently call me a heathen (despite being one my blog’s most avid readers).

I think he was trying to convert me into something that I wasn’t.  He was attending seminary school and I constantly felt like he was judging me.  And that made me feel a certain way because if he truly liked me, he should accept me for the way I am.  Sure, I’ll make mistakes and I’m not perfect, but he wasn’t flawless either.  He had his own demons to fight…so who was he to condemn me?

Time went on and we’d catch movies together or eat dinners.  We had mutual friends back in Chicago and we had things in common, so it was easy for us to have earnest wholesome conversations.  Everything between us was strictly platonic.

It wasn’t until he finished his schooling, that he was able to obtain a youth pastor position nearby.  He invited me to his church which I kindly obliged.  I wanted to show him support, after all this was his first “real” job and he was so excited to share this moment with me.

As he was perched up, standing at the pulpit, he began his sermon by rebuking heathens.  He looked straight at me and I was mortified.  I felt like everyone knew he was referring to me and that I was the ultimate sinner.  He made references to certain blog posts that I wrote…my private thoughts…secrets…and risqué content.

I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t even look at anyone.  Tears started to well up in my eyes.  I felt like I was ambushed and then ousted into hell by my so called friend.  He didn’t have to drag me through the mud in such a public way.  I was this unassuming dairy cow on her way to the slaughterhouse…led by false pretenses.  He betrayed me.  Traitor.  I wanted to scream that he was a fucking hypocrite but it wasn’t the time or place.

As soon the sermon ended, I ran out of the church and drove home crying and cursing his name.  While I was speeding down the freeway, he was texting me non-stop…asking me what happened and why I left so quickly.

“…look at how my tears ricochet…”