In heavy rotation:
Tomorrow – Morrissey
The Tortured Poets Department – Taylor Swift
Bitches Broken Hearts – Billy Eillish
Zaddy had enough red flags to sail the seven seas and I was there for the ride. First class.
The nasty and mean texts became a regular occurrence whenever he got mad at me. Each hurtful message felt like a small dagger, slowly chipping away at my emotional well-being. I knew it was going a shit storm of a day whenever he sent me a barrage of messages. The longer they were, the more irate he was with me. The amount of words he would put into those texts was like reading a damn novela.
The reasons could be due to my lack of attention or interest in whatever he was talking about, my absence of emotions or not being affectionate towards him. At that time, I was doing the best I could (I had undergone traumatic losses back to back) but zero fucks were given.
The constant assault of negativity made it difficult to maintain a healthy connection with him. It’s not just about the words themselves, but the underlying intent and the emotional toll they take on me. Initially, I would respond quickly and apologize repeatedly but over time, I found myself becoming increasingly detached, slow to respond if at all, almost as a self-preservation mechanism.
I questioned myself, “What am fucking sorry for? What exactly did I do that warranted this ill-mannered response? ” Some times I would read the text and think “What a fucking asshole. What in the actual fuck. Fuck him and fuck me!” Other times I wouldn’t bother reading them. The vibe and energy were so awful that I’d turn my phone off and leave it at home while I went out. I didn’t have the bandwidth for such fuckery. It’s happened so many times that I grew weary and wary of his words. He was behaving like a petulant child and I stopped responding till he apologized and then we could move on with our lives. Honestly, if you looked up toxic AF, you’d see our pictures there
I think deep down, I knew he was a fucking liar so I didn’t want to get attached (even though I did). Nothing with him was adding up but the sex was too good to pass up. I was dickmatized. When he moved, I was sad for us but happy for me, if that made any sense. I missed him but like they say, out of sight, out of mind. After enough time passed, I blocked him. What we had wasn’t enough to bind us together. We had our moment and it was time to move on…till he found me on insta.
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